For all of those who comment to bookstore employees how much they would love to work at a bookstore just remember, a job is still a job and retail is its own special form of hell.
Customer: “I don’t have time for that.” (usually followed by storming out of the store)
I don’t have a translation for this one. My head has never been able to wrap around this logic. When you ask me a question and I don’t give the appropriate response it is beyond me how the grown-up reaction is to throw a hissy fit and walk out. Regardless of the question I would still have to find your book, you would have to wait in line, check out, then be on your merry way. Any response to any question asked would delay this process at most by a minute. I found the best way to deal with this response is to just watch them leave after saying I’m sorry they don’t have more time. They get more aggrivated by my lack of caring and I know they aren’t going to complain to a manager since the are too pressed for time. It’s a double win for me really.
Customer: “I saw this same ‘product’ at ‘insert-competitor-here’ for much less. Do you honor competitor prices or should I just go get it there?”
Translation: “I didn’t want this particular item a week ago when I saw it in passing but now I have to have it. By using my awesome powers of negotiating I’m going to make you lower the price of this product and if you don’t, you know where I’m going to go to buy it.”
This tactic holds no power over any retail employee in the world, I can guarantee it, corporations don’t give such power to their employees. If the price is in reference to an online price I’ll let you in on this little secret called overhead. Online companies (even our own) don’t have the same overhead as physical stores. “What does this mean?” you ask. Well, online companies don’t have to pay people like me to deal with people like you who ask loaded questions like the one above. Also, if you found a book at another location for cheaper you should have bought it there. Consumers have this odd train of thought that they are the only individual interested in any given product. Trust me, you’re not. Go buy it elsewhere and I’ll smile when some other person buys the same product at cost an hour later. Yeah, we really lost your business on that one.
Customer: “You should read this book, it will really change your life!”
Translation: “I have such an unhappy life, easily buy into obviously ridiculous fads, and assume that everyone must feel the same in order to justify why I’m buying this book.”
Unlike you, I really love my life, every single aspect of it. Even the job and people I gripe about daily doesn’t take away my enjoyment of my life. So when you tell me something will change my life you are assuming that I am not 100% satisfied with my existence and therefore you are an arrogant, self-righteous knob, especially when every other person who saw Oprah the day before had already said the same thing to me that day.
Customer: “I really need this, can you get it by tomorrow?”
Translation: “I waited until the last minute to find this book. Regardless of it’s obscurity or popularity I expected you, personally, to have it. Since my procrastination will make me look a fool, I will hold you responsible.”
Listen, I genuinely try to help customers out when I can. However, when you wait until the night before class starts, or a birthday, or etc. to pick up that much needed book and we don’t have it in stock, I could not care less when you get upset because you have poor time management skills. Not. My. Fault.
So I was originally going to post this as one giant list but it was too long for my liking and I figured a phrase countdown to Friday would be fun. So without further ado I give to you the top five phrases heard by booksellers and their realistic translations:
Customer: “I wanted to look at it first.”
Translation: “I have no intention of buying this $85 book, I just wanted to unwrap it, flip through it, then put it back on the shelf so everyone and their mother can rip it to shreds and you have to eat the cost.”
While I know the people reading this will get all uppity saying “people have a right to look at a book that expensive before buying it!”, I want to remind them that an $85 impulse buy is a rare occasion when it comes to books. The majority of people have done their research when it comes to a high priced item and know for a fact they want to buy it. It is a rarity for someone to browse a random, high ticket item and actually purchase it when done.
“ If you want to gain a little perspective on what it’s going to be like working with the general public, sit down and watch some daytime reality television for a few days in a row. Jerry Springer, Dr. Phil, Maury, Judge Joe Brown — watch all of it. While you’re at it, be sure to end each night by watching your local 11 o’clock news as well. Then, after you’re done recoiling in disgust at the new low humanity has sunk to, take a moment to reflect on something. All of those people shop.
I have a suggestion that will save taxpayers money and school children time. I say we abolish the D.A.R.E. program and start what I call the B.Y.O.B.B. program. What does B.Y.O.B.B. stand for you ask? Well that’s easy, B.Y.O.B.B. is an acronym for:
Bring
Your
Oblivious
Brat
To A
Bookstore
How does B.Y.O.B.B. work? Simple. The school takes students down to a local bookstore (preferably one with a cafe) for a few hours, just to sit and make simple observations. I guarantee that a few hours of watching degenerates and homeless people be unproductive members of the human race will be enough to scare any child from ever doing drugs or drinking alcohol.
In order to help with the viewing I’ve included a handy little guide of phrases you can use to help point out the different drug types to the kids:
“See that man’s teeth over there kids? Notice how rotted and black they are. Do you know why? Because he thought smoking meth would be a sound life choice.”
“Wow, look how fast that man is moving his head around to stare at everyone. Can you believe how much he’s talking to himself? I guess crack isn’t such a good idea after all.”
“Geez, that lady can’t stop from falling over and is sleeping while sitting up. I wonder why she keeps slurring her words like that. Hmmm, I guess she drank too much alcohol tonight.”
“Notice how that man smells like sour milk, urine, and feces? Better stay away from drugs and alcohol so you don’t.”
If you really want to get a good sample of the decline of civilization I highly suggest you plan the field trip on a Sunday, right when the bookstore opens or a few hours before they close. In doing this, the children can get a good, uninterrupted view of these decayed remnants of people without those pesky customers getting in the way.
Apparently this was the working title of ‘Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist’ but somehow the marketing division of Columbia Pictures thought the former wouldn’t sell too many tickets. Unfortunately those knobs were right and 31 million dollars later I have to give them kudos for taking advantage of peoples gullibility, myself included.
For anyone who has not seen the movie feel free to check out the *spoiler time saver here. In fact, even if you did enjoy the movie I suggest you check it out only so I can rub in the fact that it is more amusing to watch a two hour turd be condensed to two minutes, with a better soundtrack to boot.
“But wait!” you say, “There was no Norah in that “to the letter representation” of ‘Nick & Norah’!”. Well I tried to save you from two hours of Kat Dennings attempting what I can only try to classify as surviving an epileptic seizure. Fortunately she helped me out by condensing her role in the movie into two minutes of what I call ‘The Best of Norah’:
Thanks Kat, your help has been appreciated.
**This post has been brought to you by ‘The House Bunny’, because without it I never would have fully realized the atrociousness of Kat Dennings acting skills. Also for the fact that ‘The House Bunny’ didn’t try to pretend to be something it wasn’t.**
Okay okay, we get it, you really like to read manga, and that’s alright. I really like spending “grown-up” time with my girlfriend and nobody can deny me that. However, just because it takes both you and I five minutes to finish doing what we love doesn’t give you the right to get in my way while I’m cleaning up the mess of the people before you. How would you feel if I mindlessly pleasured myself right in front of you, and before you could grab a mop a whole new group went at it? Exactly, soiled and as if part of your soul was missing. Welcome to my world. So all I ask is that while you are loitering and not contributing to my paycheck by actually purchasing that mind stimulating content is that you get out of my way so I can continue to do what resembles work in order to pay my bills. Just remember, while you are keeping your nerd hand strong, some of us have a job to do.
